I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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