I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
