It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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