I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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