So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
