Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
