Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
