My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
