you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
