That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
