ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
