What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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