there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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