i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
