If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
