You really coming over, don't trick.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You did what with his pubic hair?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
