she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
