Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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