Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
