I didn't shave. On purpose
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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