He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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