Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
