Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
