my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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