thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
