Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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