Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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