Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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