I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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