I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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