if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
