life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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