Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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