i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
