Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
