You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
