just survived the first fart of the relationship.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
