The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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