The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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