you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Randomize
