He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is Oprah even human
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
