that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
