Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My liver just broke up with me...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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