I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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