A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
