Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
