i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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