I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
