I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The uberlube is also flammable
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
