Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
