i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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